Back and Ahead

I was strapped for ideas on what to write. The last week has been, erm, interesting. I had a particularly eye-opening but emotionally intense therapy session and I’ve been dealing with some financial stuff due to some poor decisions I made. All in all, it’s left me more or less where I’m used to being: right back at the beginning.

I needed something to write about. Something to keep my mind off of things. I reached out to someone that means a lot to me and she suggest I write a letter to myself five years ago, and myself five years in the future. So. Sorry. This blog is going to be a bit self-indulgent.

Five years ago.

Jered. You sad, silly bastard. This is a pretty dark time for you, I know. You’re not in a good place emotionally, nor professionally, but that’s okay. Baby, you’re going to bounce back, I promise you. You’re going to fall in love again; she wasn’t kind to your feelings and you didn’t know how to handle your own feelings again. You will find other women who leave an amazing impact on your life, and it’s going to…

Well, it’s going to end bad, too. Every time. You’re kind of shitty in relationships, to be honest, and you keep picking women who aren’t fair to your emotions, either. It’s a bad mix. You’re bad at it. Be patient, kid, and have more faith in yourself and know when someone’s using you. You won’t,  of course, but you should.

Still, this woman will stick with you for years, deep in your heart. She has affected you. But she isn’t the first and she won’t be the last, and you should write about that love and that hurt, because someone somewhere will resonate with it, and if nothing else, there will be a record of what you lived, loved and experienced.

You’re going to recover from this. Not only that, but when you’re at your lowest, feeling your worst, when you’re loneliest and feeling the most shitty, you’re going to write your first book. Yeah! It’s going to be long as hell, and it’s not going to sell for shit, but you’re going to write the shit out of it. Men and women from 18-60 will read and enjoy it. You’re going to write two more and finish the trilogy. You’ll have written a trilogy of epic novels that are enjoyed and talked about. You did that. You made that.

Life is fucking hard, kid. But I’m writing this from the future, yeah? Which means we have survived. We’ve lived through it. The hurt, the heartbreak, losing our adopted parents, losing our loved ones…we never lost our friends. We never lost ourself, though the best parts may have been tucked back away for a while. You have endured so much and you’ll endure a shitload more. You’ve got this. You have this. Write about it.

Five years from now.

I thought I’d be married by my age. I thought I’d have maybe a kid by now, have my shit together and a job that actually feels rewarding. I don’t. I don’t know who I am exactly now, but I hope you have a better grip on that.

I don’t want you to be lonely, man. I hope you’ve found a way to manage your mental instabilities so that your emotions don’t dictate the way you act so much. If you’ve found someone who can love and work with you despite that, then great, but I hope sometime between now and when you are, you put yourself first for once and get help and help yourself be better.

Don’t be discouraged by writing. However small the audience might be, you’re providing an escape for people. You’re leaving the world a better place behind. I worked my ass off for this, future me. You better not take it for granted.

I want to be you, older Jered. I want to breathe this air and fall in love and be heartbroken and have momentous sex and write more books. I want to be a guy who feels everything, but is better able to manage those feelings. Can you be proud of your reflection, future me? You better be. Because present me is struggling and angry and hurt and if future me doesn’t get somewhere better, present me is going to kick his fucking ass.

Yours Truly,
Much Love,

-K. Jered Mayer

P.S. Just tell her you fucking like her and see where her head’s at, you asshole. This goes for both of you.

The Goddamn Facts

I’m such an asshole. I totally forgot to add 11 facts about myself in my last blog post and now I had to waste an awesome post title on a follow-up. Here are 11 facts about me.

1. I once paralyzed my left hand for a month and a half. I’ve regained 99% control and 95% grip strength.

2. The Eagles are my favorite band. I have an idea for a film based on Hotel  California.

3. I am 100% straight but I’ve wanted to write a yaoi series for close to 10 years after seeing an ad offering to pay an obscene amount of money for it. I got to wondering if I could do it and the more I thought about it, the more appealing it became.

4. I’m moderately terrified of heights. Open escalators freak me the fuck out.

5. I don’t believe in astrology but I’m fascinated by it. Somewhat related to that, when I was in elementary school, I wrote a report on the mythological origins of the planet names and those of their moons. I got a poor grade for having “too much information”.

6. My favorite animal is the wolf. Second favorite is the tiger. Third favorite is Animal from the Muppets.

7. I won the school spelling bee in 4th and 5th grade. In 6th grade, I lost to three 5th grade girls because I misspelled quiche. Then a group of teachers publicly interrupted class a week later to bring me quiche with the word spelled on a napkin. I ate it anyway. I give zero quiche fucks.

8. I’ve romantically loved four women. Two I actually dated. One I had a fling with on and off for years. One I convinced to not run away from the man she thought she loved. I think they’ll be married soon.

9. Spider-Man has been my favorite hero since I was four years old. I have always hated spiders.

10. I once referred to my penis as “Bandit” in an economics class. That’s less a fact about me specifically and more a trivia bit.

11. My favorite protagonists after Spider-Man are, in order, John McClane, Indiana Jones, James Bond, and Sherlock Holmes.

Bonus round cuz #10 sucked. My picture is on the wall of some wing restaurant in Seattle for eating seven 7-alarm wings in under seven minutes. I vomited immediately after “winning” and then accidentally wiped my tears away with fingers still coated in molten hell. I got a t-shirt, too. It wasn’t worth it.

The Liebster Award and Me and You

I can already tell that this is going to be a long post and I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted because I was drinking until 8AM and playing poker and sucking face and trying to figure out where the fuck I was because it was my birthday and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let the clock run out and die sleeping.

So this award. “Award”. I charged my phone, which had perished sometime around midnight much to the relief, I’m sure, of a hundred people who I would have drunkenly vomited affection for over numerous forms of social media…I charged my phone and found I had been nominated by another blogger (side-note: I accidentally typed blooger and I’m grossed out now) and have opted to take part in it.

Jace Tan’s Bliggity Blog is the blog responsible for the word-fuckery that is to follow. Go give him a read.

Anyway, what I can parse from his blog post is that the Liebster Award is sort of an honory thing from one blogger to another to sort of cast some light on smaller/newer blogs and give them the attention they deserve. Right off the bat, I’m flattered. Nice move, Jace.

It works like this: Nominate eleven blogs with 200 followers or less by posting about them. Ask them 11 questions somewhere in your post. Answer the 11 questions asked of you by the person who nominated you (that would be me, in this case). Then post 11 facts about yourself as well.

We good? Got that? Good. Check these motherfuckers out (motherfuckers, you have been nominated and I love you. Probably platonically).

1. Deadly Ever After Julie Hutchings is a good friend of mine and a hell of a writer. I did my first crack at writing horror as a flash fiction piece for this blog, titled In a Pinch.
2. Lindsay Cummings Writes Lindsay is a pantser (as in she writes by the seat of her pants). I can’t do it. I need an outline. She just goes with the flow. It’s awesome. She’s awesome.
3. Maggie Mae’s Poetry Hour That’s not the actual name of her blog, but she does write poetry and it is good stuff.
4. I’m counting Jace’s blog because I’m still new at this blogging thing and I don’t know many people. Plus I like the way he writes. Scroll back up, find him and follow him.
5. Line of the Week For when you need a goddamn good quote to make your feelings work.
6. Guapola This cat follows me on Twitter, so I know they’ve got good taste.
7. Daily (W)rite
8. Floppydogs The first time I ever met Rene, she got me really drunk and let me tell her she’s pretty.
9. Jodie Llewellyn
10. Gotta Find a Home
11.Be Like Water Production

Full disclosure: I didn’t check to see if these folks have under 200 followers. My blog is a week old and I have 21 followers. I just want to do some shoutouts, get people some attention and tell you about myself and this seemed like a fun way to do that.

Now. Jace had 11 questions for the people he nominated. Buckle your seatbelt and pucker your…uh, lips.

1. What turns you on sexually?

Well, goddamn, Jace. Here I was expecting to have six months, maybe a year of blogging under my belt before really getting into my dick’s hobbies and interests, but you’ve ruined that for me. The suspense is dead.

I like being kissed on the neck. Gently grabbing my penis would probably work, too, and maybe the Inception soundtrack.

2. Are you in a relationship or too awesome for anyone to handle?

Ladies. 😉

I promise that’s probably the last time I put an emoticon in a blog post. I am single, and I’ve been single for coming up on four years. I date here and there but I’ve moved around the country a lot,  I’m trying to focus more on a writing career and the last time I fell in love, she left me for a coke dealer when my grandfather died. So. Whether or not “emotionally impotent” falls into your definition of awesome.

3. Dark, White or Milk chocolate? (and why)

Milk. Dark is too bitter and white is too pretentious.

4. What unusual skills or hidden talents do you have?

I’m exceptionally good at making mistakes.

I also played the flute for three years and was best in my age group in the state. That was 13 years ago, though. When I was in the hospital last year, a friend gave me her flute but I’ve yet to re-teach myself how to play. Flutes: not bikes.

5. Tell me your best pun joke.

This isn’t a question, but I’ll bite. My favorite pun joke is, “It’s not that he couldn’t juggle. He just didn’t have the balls.”

6. Coffee or tea?


7. Are you sadistic or masochistic?

Masochistic, I guess. In that I tend to mentally punish myself on a regular basis.

8. How many followers do you have at the time you publish your own Liebester post?

Twenty-one beautiful souls.

9. At your funeral, what kind of person would you want people say you were?

I want to be the very best, like no one ever was.

10. 10. Have you told your parents you love them?

Reluctantly but honestly.

11. What is the most embarrassing dream you’ve had or event that happened to you?

You want to get real? Let’s get real. Let’s go with event. One time, in my late teens, I was on my desktop computer with dial-up connection. It was practically the stone age. I had my boring and stationary softcore pornography pulled up. I had my trousers pulled down. I had my dick pulled out and back and out and back and you get the idea.

There came a rapping at my chamber door. My grandmother asked if she could come in. I said, “No, hold on a minute” because that’s literally the only appropriate response. She replied, “What?!” and instead of waiting for a clearer, more definitive statement, OPENED THE DOOR TO HEAR ME BETTER.

I actually died eight years ago. This is my shamed phantom blogging.

AND NOW HERE ARE 11 QUESTIONS FOR YOU: You can answer in your blog or your comments. However you want!

1. What was it like the first time you fell in love?
2. What’s your most terrifying encounter with the law?
3. What is your favorite song and why?
4. What is your spirit animal? Inanimate objects will count for the sake of hilarity.
5. What is your favorite television show?
6. What’s the one thing you most wished to say to someone?
7. Which relative do you like the least?
8. What’s your most awkward holiday story? Valentine’s Day is a sham and doesn’t count unless it’s something truly awful.
9. Who was your first celebrity crush?
10. What exceptional room does your dream home have to have? (Ie. A library, pool room, rec room)
11. What is your greatest regret?

You guys are great. My birthday turned out incredible. See you tomorrow!