Playing the Doldrums

I haven’t written anything in probably a week. I’ve been in sort of a slump. Could be the rainy, overcast weather springing from the still-settling corpse of summer. Could be the slow sales month. I went from two really solid months to being in the bottom two.

Hell, it could be nothing. I know how depression works. I just feel weary all the time, unmotivated, and irritable. I took a personal day Sunday of last week and to keep from getting a mark against my attendance, I worked one of my days off, leading to six days in a row. Normally, six days would be nothing. In the mood I’m in, it felt like a month had passed. Last night, I had a bitch of a time falling asleep.

It was just to the point I was dreaming, but was still conscious and uncomfortable in bed as to keep moving around. It was something more akin to hallucinating and I woke up with heavy mind and body. Cool dreams, though, from what I recall. I was going to call out today, then, and take the point, but the iPhone 6 launches in two days and my store is in a tizzy trying to prepare. I didn’t want to be that guy, perceived to be slacking on top of having a shit sales month.

I’ve been reacting to the mood the way I typically do: too much spending of money, too much drinking, sleeping around. None of it makes me feel any better, and I know that as I’m doing it (well, the sex is alright, actually), but it takes my mind away from things. I almost spend $40 on movies, caught myself, realised I didn’t actually need them. So I put them back and proceeded to spend $40 on liquor and another $7 on the cab ride home. Brilliant.

On a separate note, I signed up for Tinder over the weekend. I wasn’t at a point where I was full-on, ready to pursue online dating, but Tinder seemed like a relatively easy, zero-pressure option. Maybe I would have more luck that way. Anchorage is small and as expected, I’ve come across several people I know already, a few I’ve already been with physically, and a man. Which, hey, I applaud his determination, because I had certainly selected women only as my search parameters (I double-checked).

So I’ve got a few matches already (swipe left if you’re not interested, right if you are; if you swore right on each other, it opens an option to begin dialogue), a couple of which seemed fake the more I looked at them. One girl messaged me at 4 this morning to ask for companionship. I tried to get back to my shitty sleep instead, determined to discuss details in the morning. By the time I woke, she had unselected me as a match. Oh yeah, you can do that, too.

Well, that’s probably for the best. But now there are a couple matches sitting there on the app that seem legit, and I choked. I haven’t said shit. Am I shy? Is it because I’m depressed that I’m shy? Honestly, I think the problem is that it’s been so long since I’ve been in a serious, committed relationship that I don’t know what to do to start dating again. I don’t know what to say. I find myself utterly uninteresting, the most fascinating aspects of my life being familial experiences and relationship disasters that I don’t feel comfortable talking about.

I’m really good at making friends with women. I’m pretty decent at seducing women with no strings attached. But I am fucking terrible at opening up enough to try and start a relationship. I freeze, I choke up, I avert eye contact.

So that’s what’s new with me, anyway. Figured you guys could use an update and I suppose I could benefit from writing out some of these issues. This blog is my pro bono therapist. He doesn’t offer any sort of advice, but I guess you (don’t) get what you (don’t) pay for.

There are a couple of fiction things I want to start working on some, so I’ll try to update with those soon. Fly on, free birds.

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